These Planet Crypto thoughts are back and this time they visit the barber shop where Sam Bankman-Freed's missing assets are found after a furry chase. Remember, this is probably all just for fun...
Today, FTX clients celebrated the discovery of $5 billion worth of assets in Sam Bankman-Freed's hair.
The surprising revelation came when the CEO responsible for the cover opted for a haircut before the trial.
"As soon as Sam sat down, I knew this was going to be a desperate job," said hairstylist Tony Momoa. He admitted that he hasn't brushed his hair since 2008, but none of us were prepared for what we found out.
"The first surprise was that her hair wasn't just a bird's nest, it really was. A family of magpies lived there and they carried shiny things like candy wrappers and Ferrari keys and the second largest ruby in the world. It was the equivalent of the first billion dollars we found."
But when I managed to part some of Sam's hair with a rake, I discovered Aladdin's cave of fortune for myself. There were chandeliers, priceless art, and one of Elton John's old pianos... He's good looking, but his hair looks like Japanese herbs. It grows so quickly around everything and absorbs into its mass that I have to chain myself to three guys in the hair salon to stop me from inhaling.
When it was all announced, Sam was as surprised as anyone to have lost so much money. I know that was his excuse for everything, but this time I believe him.
While the takeover was happy for FTX's liquidators, the cut itself was less successful.
"It was too thick to cut. We've tried everything—knives, chainsaws, even setting it on fire as a controlled burn brush—but that straw is very durable. However, if you find 5 billion dollars braiding and cleaning , works things out, guess what he would make if he cut his hair in prison?
What indeed!
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